im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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