I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
