Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You pole danced in your parka.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
