Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize