chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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