the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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