mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
