Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
