I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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