Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
