we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He better not be in your backpack
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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