alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize