his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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