i just made my gag reflex go away.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
