i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
