I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
