she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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