Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
