I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
