end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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