I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
