he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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