broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
