if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
