I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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