Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
