If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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