hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
