I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
