I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
if only i could text you this smell
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
