I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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