Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
