How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
