Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
