The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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