Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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