just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
All I want is dick and wine.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
