It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
