This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
