lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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