dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
