You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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