She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
