Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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