I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
