Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
