dude i'm inner monologue high
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
