he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
