When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
