just come out here and I will go home with you...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize