he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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