There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
not ubering you a puppy
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
