He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize