so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
