I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
