Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
