I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
