burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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