Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Sober January is a disaster.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
